BMX Bandits

BMX's can go ANYWHERE!

I don't think I'm alone when I get intrigued over early works from stars before they really hit it big, no matter how bad they look. Of note, Arnold Schwarzenegger in Hercules in New York, George Clooney in Return to Horror High, and our entry for today, Nicole Kidman in BMX Bandits. BMX Bandits is not much of a movie: 50 minutes of two bumbling crooks chasing around three BMX aficionados sandwich by 20 minute segments of flimsy plot. The most unbelievable part of this is the idea that three teens could ride a bike for fifty minutes in a chase scenario with no gear ratio is absolutely bonkers.

This is the simple story of a young girl in love with BMX and her attempts to get said BMX by selling walkie-talkies that she and her friends found in the harbor. Of course, those walkies belonged to a violent and well organized group of bank robbers who need them to steal a large payroll van. And the chase is on... for literally the next 50 minutes of screen time, during which time the criminals who were at first well organized and effective, become bumbling, cartoonish characters who can't even run down a couple of kids on BMX bikes. After escaping the crooks though, the brave BMX Bandits (y'see they got shirts to commemorate their outlaw bicycling ways) lure the crooks into a trap to get the reward for their capture so they can open up a BMX track for the local kids who all love BMX.

Whose idea was it to
coordinate our outfits?

So, this isn't actually that bad a movie as long as you ignore most of the acting, anything related to BMX, and the Australians. But there is one moment, when they are being chased through the graveyard where you can see the potential in Nicole Kidman. It's just a fleeting glimpse of the actress she will become, but it's there. Doesn't make the movie worth watching, but it is fascinating to see the early promise of talent.

Rating: D

Spider-man/Spider-man and his Amazing Friends

Ever since Disney bought Marvel, I've had the chance to catch a lot of the old Spider-man cartoons I used to watch back in the eighties on Disney's cable channel, and as  unlike everything else I used to love as a child, these are actually better than I remembered. Both shows were released in 1981 and saw heavy rotation and recycling through that decade, pervading my ever sponge-like brain making me a Marvel person rather than a DC guy (I swear, I just argued with my wife over which mythos was better today). So with 50 episodes between them, I have spent quite a bit of time watching all of the episodes over again... and again... and what do you know, yet again. So here's why these are so much better than even I realized. While not truly canonical to the original comic series, they are true to the spirit of Spider-man capturing his essence that so many other interpretations miss, and at least in the case of the Spider-man series, actually adds some depth to the comic series.

So I really got into comics around 1990 and I grew very familiar with the canon of Spider-man, be he Amazing, Spectacular, or just regular old Spider-man and the one defining characteristic besides his powers is that he is a sarcastic wise-ass. He's always cracked wise while in costume; not because he's arrogant, but because he's absolutely terrified (I believe it was Bendis who made that clear in his Ultimate Spider-man run). He's a teenager fighting people who are trying to kill him, defending people who despise him. So he cracks wise as distraction for himself and his enemies and it's an idiosyncratic quirk that makes him lovable. It's what was missing from Sam Raimi's Spider-man run (which was good except for the third one), but it's what we get in spades twenty years earlier. I don't think the show goes more than 2 minutes without Spider-man cracking a joke or pun, and sure they're corny but they've always been corny. It's sort of the point. And with the stand-alone series, the voice actor for Peter Parker/Spider-man sounds like a New Yorker, not some over the top New York accent, just a touch of nebbishiness that's almost impossible to do in the comics but it makes the character feel more present and grounded in reality. It's a guy who sounds like my father does sometimes, and when you hear it, you realize that yes; this is a guy who has lived in Queens his entire life. Why doesn't he always sound like this? It's why I think the stand alone series is just a little bit better than Amazing Friends.

Now that's not to say that Amazing Friends isn't also great. It is. It was good enough that the character of Firestar, who was created just for the show and had not previously appeared in Marvel continuity, was eventually absorbed into continuity and has been active in the comics since 1985 (first appearance Uncanny X-men#193). But it also gave a larger venue to play with a lot of different properties, and not just the villains but you get to see interactions with Namor. Namor, for God's sake, a character that I don't think I ever cared about but he's a lot of fun in the episode Seven Little Superheroes, a nod to both Agatha Christie and the superhero team The Defenders. Its things like that that actually makes me like Amazing Friends more than Spider-man, but I believe that Spider-man is the stronger of the two series. Regardless, I will watch each episode over and over and hopefully, share them with my daughter.

Rating: A-

Blitz

Ken Bruen is Ireland's answer to James Patterson with his crime novels following the exploits of the same character through multiple novels and the outlandish exploits that they experience, Blitz being the film adaptation of the 4th novel dealing with London's Detective Sergeant Brandt. That may be why the character, played by Statham, feels like we should already be familiar with him and doesn't really develop him for the viewer as much as I would like. But let's hold the criticism for just a bit, shall we?

Blitz is the story of a serial killer targeting police officers in London's South East district and Detective Sergeant Brandt's attempts to stop the killer. It starts off a little choppily dealing with Brandt's cop-on-the-edge antics which lead him into hot water before we even get the first murder and starts throwing things at you without really giving you any context for why they are happening or what their significance is. Brandt's feelings of burn out, a colleague dealing with the loss of his wife (with no explanation who the colleague is to Brandt), and yet another colleague who is trying to get back into the swing of police work after going through rehab. There is no context for any of these things and it starts to get tiresome but then a police woman is shot dead and things do start to pick up. The second act of this story is actually compelling as the killer, calling himself 'The Blitz', is one step ahead of everyone from the police all the way to the snitch who is selling his identity to the tabloid press. And then 'The Blitz' is arrested, but because he's been so clever and because the police have been pretty crap at their job, he walks free. That's where the story sort of falls apart relying on clichéd one liners and our supposed protagonist doing something completely illegal and getting away with murder. Literal, shot in the face, murder.

Whoever decided that you should not
take off your shirt should be beaten.

Most of the problem with this movie is the script. It relies too much on the assumption that we have read the three previous novels and already knows and loves the irascible DS Brandt, but I wasn't. A careful screenwriter could have crafted a standalone story from the material at hand, but it feels like someone tried to translate the book directly into the film. But there is one other problem with this movie and that is Jason Statham. Jason, don't you know by now that what people want to see is you running around shirtless beating people up? It worked so well in The Transporter. And Transporter 2. And of course Transporter 3: Transportier. It's sort of what we all expect from you, so it's a little disappointing when you don't deliver.

Rating: C-

Undead or Alive

That just ain't right.

The zombie comedy was first made popular by 2004's Shaun of the Dead, and while nothing has really quite matched it to date, Undead or Alive does a respectable job and has the added bonus (at least in my books it does) of taking place in the Old West. And while I would have preferred zombies you can kill with a bullet to the brain, the fact that these zombies are still coherent and can crack a joke occasionally works for the movie.

Can I offer you some delicious brains?

So the film starts off with exposition about how after warring with the US Army for many years, the Apache warrior and medicine man Geronimo performs as one of his final acts the White Man's Curse. That is put to the side after we see our first zombie attack so that we can meet Elmer Winslow (James Denton) who rides into town and gets into a fight with Luke Rudd (Chris Kattan) and the two are arrested and robbed by the corrupt Sheriff Claypool (Upright Citizens Brigade Matt Besser). And who is that in the cell next to them but our zombie patient zero (Brian Posehn) who is scheduled to be hung for eating his family. Well our heroes escape from jail, tying up Claypool's deputy Cletus and leave him against the bars of the cell, and rob Claypool of his ill gotten funds and ride out of town. Meanwhile, our zombie friend takes a bite out of Cletus since he was oh so conveniently left in convenient biting distance, and then Cletus bites Claypool when he frees him from the cell he was left in. Claypool hangs patient zero (who doesn't die from said hanging creating a B-plot to check in on occasionally during the movie as the zombie plague spreads through the town) before he forms a posse to go after Elmer and Luke and rides out after them, and as the curse begins to turn Claypool and Cletus, they in turn convert the posse into the living dead. Elmer and Luke meanwhile meet up with Apache warrior Sue (Navi Rawat), who just so happens to also be Geronimo's niece, who agrees to lead them to the nearest Army Outpost. Cue chase to outpost and big zombie fight.

Overall this is an amusing movie with some nice moments. I felt that more could have been done with the character of Sue since she seems to be there for only three reasons: exposition, T&A, and as an amusing plot device (it happens right near the end and the way that it is handled made me laugh out loud). James Denton is an absolute treat as Elmer, providing the perfect straight man for Chris Katan's Luke who was a little to zany for my tastes here. Overall, a decent movie with enough laughs to make it worth it.

Rating: B-

Mean Guns

Following up on one line reviews I give you Mean Guns.

One hundred criminals and killers working for a nebulous criminal syndicate lock them into a new prison just before it opens and dumps out crates of weapons followed moments later by the ammo for those guns and whoever survives gets one final payday.

Rating: B-

Valhala Rising

Since I have family and work craziness going on right now, for the rest of the week I will be doing one sentence reviews.

Today it's Valhalla Rising.

An avant garde Viking movie that is actually quite intriguing and has one of the most brutal eviscerations I have ever seen on film to date.

So is this your first visit to the chiropractor?

Rating: B-

Jonah Hex

Is there something on my face?

So Jonah Hex was a character created by DC Comics in 1971 and was a horrifically scarred Civil War veteran turned bounty hunter. His foes and problems were not fantastic in any way other than that they were based in the past. Then comes the Crisis on Infinite Earths and Hex we were introduced to is erased only to be reimagined years later as a horrifically scarred bounty hunter in the Weird West with zombies and monsters and weird science ala Wild Wild West. And thankfully, the Weird West version of Jonah Hex is where the movie takes it's inspiration from.

Jonah Hex was a Confederate cavalry officer who betrayed his unit to the Union after their commander, one General Quentin Turnbull, planned an attack on civilians which led to the commanders son being killed during capture. Turnbull, who evaded capture, tracked Hex down after the war, burned his wife and son alive in front of Hex and melted half of his face leaving him for dead. Hex survives after being treated by a Native American shaman but he forever exists in a state between life and death, allowing him to communicate and interact with the dead. And now, Hex makes a living as a bounty hunter and is always on the look out for Turnbull and his gang. Lucky for us, Turnbull has plans to steal a doomsday device designed by Eli Whitney (yeah, the cotton gin guy) and plans to blow up Washington DC on July 4th, and it's up to our intrepid anti-hero Hex to save the day which he of course does.

I think he has Yggdrasil tattooed on his chin.

So this movie got hammered in theaters taking in less than $11 Million and with an estimated production cost of $47 Million, I doubt that we'll ever see a sequel to it. That being said, it actually had a lot going for it in two of it's actors, Josh Brolin as Hex and Michael Fassbender as the devilish henchman Burke. Brolin delivers a performance that's equal parts Man With No Name and Roger Murtagh, Hex feels like a character who is weary of the world and just wants to finally lie down and rest but is driven forward by honor or vengeance... I don't think anyone can really be sure why he continues on only that he will. And Fassbender's Burke is just a nonchallant monster, equally likely to give you a light for your smoke as he would be to cut your throat. It's really a shame that most of the interractions between these two characters are in action scenes because I would love to see some real acting between them.

She's dressed like this
the ENTIRE film!

And now for the downside. John Malkovich and Megan Fox are just completely awful in this movie. Actually, strike that. Megan Fox is completely awful in this. Malkovich is just Malkovich, and there are few actors I want to watch play themselves over and over and over again. But Holy Hell, Megan Fox's character Lilah is not only badly written and costumed, but there is no attempt on Megan Fox's part to act at all. Her delivered dialogue sounds like is was done on a sound stage after filming had wrapped. I'd like to think that id her character had been cut out of the film entirely, the movie might have done better. One can hope. Maybe when they reboot the film in 2019.

Even with all of the negatives, there is still some good story and very good acting going on in this film. Just block out the bad bits, like that trip you took to Tijuana.

Rating: B-

Centurion

At the time this came out, Dominic West
was the big name in this movie.

After his portrayal of Magneto in X-Men: First Class, Michael Fassbender seems to be showing up just about everywhere I look nowadays. His imdb page shows no less than 6 projects due out in just the next year, so I thought I'd take a look at some of his earlier work. In 2010 he was in two movies, and I think I may be the only person I know who has seen both of them. In Jonah Hex he played the sadistic sidekick to the villain of said film, so let us take a look at Centurion where he takes on the leading role.

First off, this movie starts with a terrific line, with a voiceover from Fassbender saying, "...this is neither the beginning nor the end of my story." Fassbender plays Quintus Dias, or QVINTVS if you want to get picky about it, a Centurion stationed at a remote fort in the northern regions of Britain that is attacked in the dead of night by the Picts and he is taken captive. While that is going on, the Ninth Legion led by General Virilus (West), is ordered to take his troops north to break the Pictish rebels, an order that he believes is wrong, but an order nonetheless. He is given a Pict guide, Etain (Kurylenko), a mute whose family had been butchered by Romans and had her own tongue cut out. And that is information they know when they decide to let her guide the Ninth Legion north. I'll give you three guesses what she's going to do a little later on.

Etain on the hunt

So, Quintas escapes from his captors and is able to evade capture until he stumbles upon the marching Ninth, and after Virilus learns that Quintas's father was a famous gladiator, Quintas becomes a favorite of the general. For all of five minutes before the Ninth is led into a trap by Etain, and the Ninth is annihilated and Virilus is taken captive. Quintas, along with six survivors, decide to track down and rescue Virilus from his almost certain execution, but fail to in the attempt and instead must flee from Etain and a large band of Pictish warriors back to Roman held territory. At this point, there's still about an hour left to the film, and I don't want to spoil the rest because it is actually quite good.

It really is a pleasure to review this film because it was such a pleasure to watch. I like the choice of setting the story around the Massacre of the Ninth Legion. It's not something I've seen very much of and, except knowing that they did get massacred, not something I know to many supposed details of. The acting is fantastic all around here with Michael Fassbender and Olga Kurylenko giving some of the strongest performances in the film. And I am happy to note that even though this is an action movie, the script writers go out of there way to give the story and characters depth and real emotion. All around this is a very, very good movie.

Rating: A

Hobo With A Shotgun

So do you remember back in 2007, when you went to see Grindhouse and they had all those "trailers"? You remember. There was the slasher spoof Thanksgiving, and my personal favorite, Werewolf Women of the SS. Well, in the Canadian release of the film, they got a different fake trailer called Hobo With A Shotgun about a city where crime is rampant and one lone hobo says "enough", and dispenses justice with a shotgun. It was vile, brutal and bloody and like the other trailers that went with the movie it was just as amusing as Machete. And like Machete, four years later we get a full film version, this time with Rutger Hauer replacing David Brunt as the Hobo. I was really looking forward to seeing this one but sadly, I'm wondering if it was really necessary.

I've got this idea for a movie.

So a Hobo rides the rails into a town called Hope Town where the Hope has been spray painted over with the word scum as we look over a body of water at a depressing and decaying urban landscape. The city is awash in criminality and lawlessness and we quickly come to meet the ruling family of crime, the Drake and his sons, Slick and Ivan. After a quick manhole cover decapitation, they move on to their evil headquarters. But what is this, the hobo follows them? Why would he do that? And of course, when Slick attempts to abscond with a prostitute to do who knows what vile things, the hobo steps in and makes a citizens arrest, saving the prostitute. The hobo then takes Slick to the cops and demands to see the Chief of Police. Sadly, it turns out the Chief and all of his officers are dirty and they let Slick and Ivan carve a message into the hobo's chest before tossing him into the trash. Stumbling away, the hobo is in turn saved by the prostitute, who's name is Abby. After a night of sleep, the hobo is healthy enough to leave and, hoping to fulfill his dream of buying a lawnmower, he goes of to debase himself for the $50 he needs to buy said lawnmower. At the pawn shop, he ends up having to choose between his lawnmower or a shotgun in order to stop the armed thugs trying to rob the pawn shop and shoot a baby. What follows is a classic revenge story reminiscent of Paul Kersey. There are a few interesting plot devices used to mix up the story, but it's pretty straightforward once the hobo actually gets the shotgun.



I love these metal monsters.

Storywise, there's not a lot of meat on these bones and where previous grindhouse genre revisits worked because of their own self-awareness, this doesn't have that same feel. It tries to be both an exploitation film from the late 70's and early 80's as well as an homage to the exploitation genre, and it really should choose which side of the fence it wants to stand on since it doesn't really work. That being said, there are two very good parts to this movie. The first is the concept of the Plague. The Plague are a pair of heavily armored, motorcycle driving mercenaries that seem to have been killing for money forever. Literally, forever. There's a scene where one of them is making a trophy for capturing the hobo, a picture with a red line painted over the eyes, while the other one wrestles a tentacled beast back into it's dungeon, and right next to the picture of the hobo is a picture of Jesus. I love those two metal clad monsters.

But the absolute best thing about this has got to be Rutger Hauer. His performance at times in this things is absolutely heart-breaking. With all of the bad films he's done, one might assume that he might just phone in a performance for something like this, but he really does bring his A-game and nails this character down, giving the hobo complexity and real dimensionality. Sadly his performance doesn't really make this film for me. It was enjoyable but entirely missable.

Rating: C+