Vidocq

So there is a lot of conflicting concepts and ideas going on with how this movie is both advertised as well as some of the core concepts of the movie. Most of the information I had gotten about Vidocq (for some reason, most US releases I have seen around have renamed it Dark Portals... I've seen it and still don't understand that) beforehand had been that it's a very good Steampunk movie, something I haven't really seen done well to date. Then I find out that Eugène François Vidocq was a real person and probable inspiration for the character of Sherlock Holmes. So I've already got a little bit of cognitive dissonance going into this movie and I haven't even seen frame one yet.

So the opening of this movie gives us Gérard Depardieu as the titular character stalking someone through a dark, crowded, fiery place leading to a quick fight with a Mirror Masked individual which ends with Vidocq's apparent death. End of movie I guess. But no, a young man claiming to be Vidocq's biographer arrives and begins investigating Vidocq's murder to avenge him and so we get to watch as the intrepid reporter tracks Vidocq's movements, followed by flashbacks to Vidocq's movements tracking down the nebulous and sinister Alchemist. And in a shocking twist that no one saw coming, at least you wouldn't have seen it coming if you weren't paying any attention whatsoever, Vidocq did not die in the fire hole he fell into at the beginning of the film and our intrepid reporter is, in fact, our nefarious villain. Oooooh. Big mirror fight and the villain is stabbed with a big glass shard, thrown out a window to fall some ridiculous height into the river below to die... or does he?

So this isn't quite as bad as it sounds. Sure the overall structure of the story is pretty standard and there's no real surprise to the ending whatsoever, but there are some interesting character tweaks and villainous foibles which are kind of interesting and stupid at the same time. Like the villains mask. Stylewise it's an absolute win, but then they go and make it a magic mirror mask that sucks people's souls in when they die and it gets a little ridiculous. And Gérard Depardieu. The character of Vidocq is actually kind of interesting and I don't think I've seen a grumpy, bitter Depardieu before and I think if they had made this more of a Depardieu centric movie it might have possibly been better for it. But then we see them try and film an action sequence with an easily 300+ lb. actor and his not so robust fight double and it's just a little silly.

But the one thing that annoyed me the most was the director Pitof. Pitof served as the visual effects supervisor for most of director Jean-Pierre Jeunet's best films (Delicatessen, City of Lost Children) and that comes through loud and clear with the way that this movie looks and feels. It viscerally dirty but at the same time you get these fantastic and otherworldly panorama shots and the two blend from one scene to the next so seamlessly that it's like your visual cortex is relaxing on ocean waves. And then we see the camera work and direction for any scene that requires tension or even a little bit of action and you are subjected to hyper-close-ups that are disorienting and impossible to follow sucking any drama that those scenes were supposed to instill. Overall, it's interesting but I'd love to see another director tackle the character.

Rating: C-

 

BMX Bandits

BMX's can go ANYWHERE!

I don't think I'm alone when I get intrigued over early works from stars before they really hit it big, no matter how bad they look. Of note, Arnold Schwarzenegger in Hercules in New York, George Clooney in Return to Horror High, and our entry for today, Nicole Kidman in BMX Bandits. BMX Bandits is not much of a movie: 50 minutes of two bumbling crooks chasing around three BMX aficionados sandwich by 20 minute segments of flimsy plot. The most unbelievable part of this is the idea that three teens could ride a bike for fifty minutes in a chase scenario with no gear ratio is absolutely bonkers.

This is the simple story of a young girl in love with BMX and her attempts to get said BMX by selling walkie-talkies that she and her friends found in the harbor. Of course, those walkies belonged to a violent and well organized group of bank robbers who need them to steal a large payroll van. And the chase is on... for literally the next 50 minutes of screen time, during which time the criminals who were at first well organized and effective, become bumbling, cartoonish characters who can't even run down a couple of kids on BMX bikes. After escaping the crooks though, the brave BMX Bandits (y'see they got shirts to commemorate their outlaw bicycling ways) lure the crooks into a trap to get the reward for their capture so they can open up a BMX track for the local kids who all love BMX.

Whose idea was it to
coordinate our outfits?

So, this isn't actually that bad a movie as long as you ignore most of the acting, anything related to BMX, and the Australians. But there is one moment, when they are being chased through the graveyard where you can see the potential in Nicole Kidman. It's just a fleeting glimpse of the actress she will become, but it's there. Doesn't make the movie worth watching, but it is fascinating to see the early promise of talent.

Rating: D

Valhala Rising

Since I have family and work craziness going on right now, for the rest of the week I will be doing one sentence reviews.

Today it's Valhalla Rising.

An avant garde Viking movie that is actually quite intriguing and has one of the most brutal eviscerations I have ever seen on film to date.

So is this your first visit to the chiropractor?

Rating: B-

Thirst

Chan-wook Park first came to my attention with his incredible, yet hard to watch Vengeance trilogy (Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, Oldboy, Lady Vengeance) so I was very eager to see his take on vampires in Thirst. Thirst is not your ordinary vampire movie. I mean, there is blood drinking, feats of incredible strength, and a general aversion to sunlight but what it's really about is how doing a bad thing for what seems like a good reason is still a bad thing and, ultimately, very destructive.

I feel like your dead husband
 is coming between us.

The story begins with Catholic priest Sang-hyeon enrolling in a trial to first be infected with the Emmanuel virus, something akin to Ebola, so that he can be a guinea pig for a new vaccine. After succumbing to the virus, he miraculously recovers after receiving a blood transfusion and he is revered by people as a living saint and spiritual healer. Unfortunately, the blood he was transfused with leaves him with a hunger he cannot quench normally and if he does not consume blood, he begins to develop the sores and boils associated with the virus. Being a man of God, he does this by siphoning blood from coma patients without killing them and is able to keep his secret until he begins to visit the family of Lady Ra, her son Kang-woo and his wife Tae-ju. Tae-ju is initially a sympathetic character since her mother-in-law and husband are both callous towards her feelings. Priest Sang-hyeon is attracted to Tae-ju and tries to stay true to his priestly vows while as his vampiric powers begin to manifest. But it is only a matter of time before Tae-ju and Sang-hyeon begin to have an affair and Tae-ju tells Sang-hyeon the Kang-woo is physically abusing her. They hatch a plan to kill Kang-woo and drown him while out night fishing, Sang-hyeon dragging Kang-woo to the bottom of the lake and laying a heavy rock on top of him to keep the body down. Because of her son's death, Lady Ra suffers a stroke and Sang-hyeon moves in with Tae-ju. Eventually, the guilt over the murder drives a wedge between Tae-ju and Sang-hyeon and Sang-hyeon strangles Tae-ju after she lets slip that Kang-woo never laid a finger on her. Distraught over what he has done, Sang-hyeon forces his own blood into Tae-ju's mouth reviving her from the dead and making her a vampire. Unfortunately, Tae-ju isn't as benevolent a vampire as Sang-hyeon and after she callously kills several people, they get in the car and Sang-hyeon drives them out to the shore to see the sun rise leading to the final five minutes which are both hilarious and sincere moments in the film.

The thing I love about this film are the levels upon which it works. First there is the overt vampire story which is original and interesting in its own way, and I love that it's accessible even though it is a culture alien to my own. Second there is the morality metaphor for the path to hell being paved with good intentions, and third there is the fight between the duality of man between his base desires and his noble intentions. Add in beautiful direction and absolutely fantastic performances and this movie is simply a must see.

Rating: A

Tetsuo: The Bullet Man

Seriously, why is this guy white?

Oh dear god. They made a third Tetsuo movie. And this time he's white! What!?! I mean, he's not white for long. But, What!?!



I may be getting ahead of myself. Tetsuo, the Iron Man is about a guy who runs over another guy accidentally and afterwards begins turning into some sort of scrap metal robot. It can be summed up in one word: penisdrill. Tetsuo II: Body Hammer is about a different guy turning into a tank after his son is kidnapped by skinheads. The Internet says it's the same guy from the first film, but I remember him being pretty surprised when he started turning metal, so I think it's a different guy. The first two movies are about rage and metaphors about Japanese culture and society following two nuclear attacks. They are... interesting to say the least, but they are at least trying to make some kind of point.

So here we are with a sequel eighteen years after the last one with a white Tetsuo named Anthony. Seriously? Anthony? Alright, fine. So Anthony has anger issues. When he gets angry he turns into a metal monster that shoots everything. And so The Guy; yeah, that's really the characters name, so the Guy runs over Anthony's son in order to make him mad enough so that Anthony will kill The Guy. There's more backstory to it, like how Anthony's mother and father met working on a hideous project trying to meld man and metal and Anthony is a byproduct of their love, but who really cares. I know I didn't.

Shinya Tsukamoto as The Guy

The problem with this is that Shinya Tsukamoto has been over this ground twice before and both of those times he did it better. He's not really saying anything new here and just seems to be going back to a dry well. The other noticeable problem is that he just can't seem to keep the camera steady. I know his style is to interpose frenetic cuts from hard working machinery to scenes of extreme violence, but there are a number of times when we see Anthony and a lot of careful wirework and prosthetics that are almost completely out of frame. And the problem is is that I can't tell if it's simply sloppy camera work or if this is some sort of bullshit, film school grad student attempt at making a point. Either way, it just doesn't gel in the way that the previous two films did.

Rating: D